30 Slashes
by Rainbow Smite
Summary: More like eight. My version of 30 kisses. Eight vignettes guaranteed to be crude, lewd, and rude that cover a wide range of subjects. As wide as you can stretch eight, anyway.


Most of these ideas were spawned from conversations with my close personal friend, Joker'sOnlyFear. She's pretty awesome. But I call dibs. Most of these are dialogue, because that's my specialty. Oh, and if there are any mistakes, blame Joker'sOnlyFear for this one. She was the beta. Wait, I have one more oh. Oh, and as a disclaimer, (do we still need those?) if I owned any of this stuff, it would have been a porno in the theater! Would that have been awesome or what?

**Shopaholic **

Notes: This one was actually thought of while going through a cosmetics section and thinking that they just don't make red lipstick anymore! Lucky for me I still have tubes of it from a while ago.

It had been the Joker's idea to pick up some needed supplies. After all, they were running low on food and other essentials - plus, they were bored. Unfortunately, it seemed Joker was running low on lipstick. "Which one do you think is redder, Jonny? Fire Engine Rush or Real Red? "

"For the last time, I don't care!"

"Let's put it this way, then. Which would you rather wake up covered in?"

"Here's an idea: Why don't you take the whole display case so you can decide when we get home?" said Jonathan in a rather sarcastic voice.

"See, this is why you're the genius and I'm the-"

"Petulant child?"

"Blow me."

"Not with that attitude."

**~*~**

**Appearances**

"I don't see why you use knives all of the time."

"I've been through this before! They're slower than guns and-"

"No, I mean, blunt force trauma is even slower than knives depending on which places on the body of the victim one chooses to strike."

"It's sort of hard to carry around a collection of lead pipes everywhere you go, Jonny. I'd look stupid."

Jonny just looked at his odd lover for a moment before giving his best "bitch please" look. "You already look stupid."

~*~

**Interior Design**

"Jay, what in the hell are you doing _now_?" said a rather exasperated Jonathan.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm going to hang this guy's guts on the wall!" he answered proudly.

"Like hell you are! Do you know how much they're going to stink in a few hours? If you're going to do that, hang them outside, where _I _don't have to deal with them!"

"_Now_ who's being the petulant one?"

~*~

**Let's All Sing the Silent Hill Song!** (Silent Hill 3 spoilers!)

Jonathan sat by his true love's side as said true love was playing none other than Silent Hill 3.

"So, you're saying that normal-looking one throws up a _fetus_ and the religious freak _eats_ it? Her stomach isn't even connected to her womb! That's not possible."

"Yep, right after Claudia kills the cool guy."

"I liked him."

"Me too. He sort of reminds me of you." "I guess I could see that. Claudia reminds me of my grandmother."

"Your grandmother eats fetuses?"

"I wouldn't be surprised to find out she did, honestly."

"You know, all this talk of eating babies is making me a little aroused. How about after I commit some hard core deicide, I nail you so hard it's considered crucifixion?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

(If you want to hear the Silent Hill song, type it in on Youtube. It's part of an ending you can get and it's fucking awesome.)

~*~

Breach **(I've become okay with mpreg, as long as it's funny, it's okay. This one's for you,****Ophelia)**

! Well, they all sort of are but this one I decided to type it out. Also, who's gong to get off their lazy ass and do a cross over with Silent Hill here? You know you want to.) "So, how did you get pregnant?"

"I blame the author."

"You can't do that! That's breaching the forth wall! The forth wall can not be breached!" Screamed Joker, beginning to shake Jonathan.

"If you keep shaking me, the baby is going to be breach!"

"Fine," said the Joker, "but I still don't understand where this crazy love child came from."

"How about we just go with I have a vagina in my ass hole."

"Sure, that works."

~*~

Call Me

"So, did you get the dead homeless man I sent? Good, did you like him? Really? I thought it was a good gift. He just hung up on me!"

~*~

**Run** (I'm a little distracted right now, as I can't stop playing the Ballad of Maxwell Demon. I just can't stop it! Fun fact time! That song is from the movie called Velvet Goldmine, which is pretty much based off of the David Bowie song Ziggy Stardust with some Oscar Wilde thrown in for fun, and there are some references to a supposed relationship Bowie had with Mick Jagger. But here's the real kicker here, folks! Christen Bale, Mr. Macho who played Batman, was the cute gay reporter in that movie who had hot gay sex with Curt Wilde who was played by Ewan McGregor. Batman was not on top, folks. Okay, I'm going to stop ranting now. Right… wait for it… not yet… right, no, not yet, NOW! Okay, this is Joker'sOnlyFear's version of an idea I sent her. I thought mine was better, so she has it somewhere and I decided to write her version, tweaked so Jonny isn't an all-out pussy and it's more hilarious. Ego trip, much?) DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE TO GET THE THEATICAL VERSIONS OF THE SONGS? THE ONES THEY PLAY IN THE MOVIES, NOT THE ONES ON THE SOUNDTRACK THAT SUCK BECAUSE I ONLY LIKE THE ONE'S THAT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS SANG! NOT SHUDDER TO THINK! Okay, now I'm done. Sorry. Short starts now.

It was rather early in the morning, far before anyone should be up. Far before the sunrise, even. And here Jonathan stood, dressed in his night things at the door because Goddamn Gordon thought he was holding drugs. Granted, he was, but he was on parole, and if they found fear toxin in his apartment, it was back to Arkham. Well, at least Gordon had to put up with seeing him like this.

Gordon, for his part, was just trying to do his damn job, which they didn't pay him nearly enough for. There stood Jonathan Crane, a.k.a. Scarecrow, only coming in behind the Joker (who was currently at large) in his heinous crimes, in nothing but pink hair curlers and a long, black KMFDM (a/n my favorite band) t-shirt that went just to his (shapely) thighs, arms crossed and hip cocked to the left.

"I'm just here for the random inspection, Jonathan, you know the drill." Gordon said, thinking this could only be worse if Jonathan was cracking a piece of bubble gum in an annoying manner. At least he (Jonathan) had the courtesy to shave his legs. It was then, much to the surprise of both parties, that a man in plaid pajama pants and a wife beater came out, with a sleepy look on his face, not to mention a very large Glasgow grin and green-ish hair. Said man put his head on Jonathan's shoulder and mumbled something along the lines of, "tell 'em we don't want any."

Jonathan did the only thing he could think of at the time. He pushed the Joker away and said, "Who are you, strange man, and how did you get in my house?!" Joker looked up and gave a sort of "what the fuck" look. He then saw that Gordon was right there, and tried to play along. "I'm here to steal your…" Unfortunately, he was still rather sleep-fuddled, so he said the first thing he saw which was, "hair curlers!" He then proceeded to try to pull out the curlers. Jonathan slapped his hand away and looked at Gordon, hopeful that the man was as dumb as he looked. Gordon had his arms crossed and a "really" sort of look on his face.

"You're not buying this, are you?"

"No."

"Damn."

(If you can catch the reference in this paragraph, I will award you 1,000 points. Catch the reference right there, and I'm sure I'll do something for you. Maybe.)

Jonathan, being a quick thinker and a dirty fighter, kicked Gordon right in the privates. When Gordon then doubled over in pain, Jonathan grabbed his head smashed it into his knee. "Ow, the front of my face!" Gordon screamed then collapsed. Jonathan grabbed Joker by the hand and proceeded to run away.

"We should have worn slippers. This damn city is hurting my feet!"

"How about your hair curlers, are they fine?" said a sarcastic voice. "Nice moves back there, by the way. Didn't know you had it in ya."

"Eh, desk work and old age has made him soft."

"Seeing you do that was sort of hot. How about we stop running for a moment and stop for a quickie?" Joker asked, pulling Jonathan into a rather convenient ally.

"Didn't know you were into exhibitionism."

"Under BDSM, it's my favorite." I'm sure you can guess what happens from there.

~*~

**Mail Call** (I have no idea where this came from)

Jonathan sat on his ratty old couch, reading, when his lover burst through the door, yelling, "I'm back, and I got mail!"

Jonathan didn't even bother to look up from his book. "We're in hiding. We don't get mail."

"I know that! I got someone else's mail. I didn't say I got _our _mail, did I? I just said '_I got mail'_." Jonathan didn't bother to question Joker's logic, or lack there of. "Bill, bill, biiilll, 'House Fancy Magazine'? This magazine has it all wrong! No, no, no! This would never do!"

Jonathan, knowing he would regret it, said, "What's wrong with it?"

"There's no meat hooks or weapons storage."

"Right, well I'm going to go contemplate suicide in the bedroom now."

"Okay, be back in an hour."

"Why?"

"Duh, I'll be bored doing whatever it is I'm going to entertain myself with."


End file.
